I think I can write for the NYTimes:
New regulations suggest that President Bush believes that corporate interests on earth can manage Northwest salmon better than his Almighty Father in Heaven. The decision may signal a split in the administration's famously intimate connection with God as questions are raised as to the functional relationship between God and Nature.
In a conference call with several dieties, Mr. Jesus, Bush's Almighty Father's representative, said that while he understands the value of outsourcing in a universal economy, he thinks the quality of work will suffer if the management of a species is left to corporate interests off Nature's shores.
"We have the experience of billions of years of successful species management behind us. It isn't possible to simply pick up and move an operation of this size to the realm of man without a significant loss of performance," Mr. Jesus said. He pointed to the shorter lifespan of genetically engineered salmon. "You're dealing with a kind of carbon coppy," he said. "You have to expect to lose some resolution along the line."
Terry Holt, a BushCo spokesman, said that "While we appreciate the input of the Son of God, who has been a leading figure in the successful development of the salmon species for a long time, we won't enter into a debate as to exactly how long that time has been." He was referring to the disputed age of the earth, which creationists put at only about 5500 years compared to geologists, who put the figure closer to 4 billion years.
A liason from the American Forest and Paper Association, which helped write the rules change, who did not want to be identified because he did not want to be hounded by other members of the press, said that the God or Nature question is a non-issue around the office. "We are assured that the president has the ear of the Almighty Father and so the question of whether Nature can do a better job than the market place or even if there is a direct connection between God and Nature is immaterial once a decision has been made."
John Kerry, the presumptive Democratic nominee for president and a practicing Catholic, said from a campaign stop in Philadelphia that it was clear from Mr. Jesus' comments that he understands the "special relationship Nature shares with God." Mr. Kerry, who has admitted to enjoying elaborate fishing vacations at luxury Canadian resorts, walked a thin line between acknowledging God's supremecy and admitting that the privatization of Nature's traditional responsiblities would lead to a few new jobs for humans and vast profits for their employers and their stockholders. He would not divulge if the salmon he has caught in the past were wild or farm-raised. Sources close to the campaign confess that Mr. Kerry will continue to emphasize economic issues in an attempt to address the president's acknowledged strength in matters of national security.