Best. Daily Show. Ever.

Stewart took on Bill O'Reilly, Bush on Bill O'Reilly, Kerry's inane answers to straightforward questions. But the best part was Ed Helms on how he planned to cover the debates tonight. Here's the transcript:

John: Ed, thank you so much. I know the weather's been rough down there. You know these men well. You served as Skull and Bones pledge master for both. In tomorrow night's debate, how do you see things going?

Ed: John two men will take the stage and shake hands. I believe in an attempt to shed his cautious image, the senator will wear a cape and punctuate every sentence with the word "be-otch." The president, meanwhile, buffering his image as a strong leader, will more than likely squeeze the juice out of an orange with his bicep. He will then lick this juice. People will find it disturbing, yet erotic. And that's when the fucking starts.

John: Alright, Ed. I'm sorry. Let me just jump in here real quick. None of that is going to happen.

Ed: I know, John. Just trying to have a little imagination is fun...

John: Can you seriously talk a little about what's really going to happen at the debates tomorrow?

Ed: Okay. This is the report I'm going to file:

The two candidates exchanged poin barbs about our Iraq policy and the war on terror. Senator Kerry made strides in shedding what some of his analysts call a "patrician image" yadda yadda yadda. But the president with his plain-spoken words was more effective in communicating his vision ...

John: Alright, Ed. I'm sorry. You've written your report as though it's already happened.

Ed: Yeah. I wrote it yesterday.

John: You write your stories in advance and then put it in the past tense?

Ed: Yeah. We all do. That's ... all the reporters do that.

John: Why?

Ed: We write the narratives in advance, based on conventional wisdom and then whatever happens, we make it fit that storyline.

John: Why?

Ed: We're lazy? Lazy thinkers?

John: But what happens if actual news happens?

Ed: Well, that's what bloggers are for.

John: Alright, Ed. Why are you even bothering to watch the debate then?

Ed: To see if someone sighs or sweats, because that could cost someone the election, bee-otch!

UPDATE: You can read exactly what Ed Helms was talking about here courtesy of the AP.

Comments

[Elayne Riggs]

Thanks for typing this out, eRobin!