The First Annual Conservative Media Wingnut Welfare Awards

OK. We don't do this sort of thing here, which is why we have 3 daily readers and a partridge in a pear tree whose main function seems to be to sit on a limb above my desk and shit on my terminal, but after Agi at Agitprop picked up the ball and ran with it concerning the Brooks/Friedman controversy (see comments), I got to thinking that there was really way more mining to be done with it. I mean, we're fucking surrounded by these incompetent, lame media *stars* who are way overpaid and turn out the kind of childish, UBARTP (Unencumbered By Any Recognizable Thought Process) work that would have gotten me flunked out of Mrs. Edgar's 9th grade Social Studies class with "Weak research, poor composition, incoherent theme, assumes facts not cited or proved. Go back and do this again." in big RED magic marker all over it. What about them?

So I consulted with myself and we thought it might be better to honor all the Welfare Wingnuts in various categories. Thanks to Agi, the "Most Overpaid, Useless Op-Ed Columnist On the Planet" Award goes to Tom Friedman, hands down. The Big One being gotten out of the way, we can now consider others.

THE MOST OVERPAID, USELESS CONSERVATIVE COLUMNIST WHO WOULDN'T BE ONE AT ALL IF IT WEREN'T FOR SHAMELESS NEPOTISM

This category may sound as if it has been tailored for Jonah Goldberg but it hasn't. Really. He's not the only one. But he is at the top of the list, for whatever that's worth.

Jonah Goldberg

The son of Lucianne Goldberg, who was nobody until Linda Tripp promoted her to BFF during the Clinton/Monica absurdity, Jonah parlayed that trivial role into stardom by playing the Wingnut Sonata relentlessly. With his feet. He conned them into making him editor of The National Review Online, and later when the new conservative owner of the (failing since) LA Times took over, one of his first moves was to fire veteran columnist Robert Scheer so he could hire Jonah instead. JG hasn't written a coherent word since.

Bill Kristol

Billy the Kid's dad is Irving Kristol, who is not only King of the Neocon Wingnuts, he is one of the signature creators of wingnut welfare. F'rinstance, his mom is Gertrude Himmelfarb, a relatively undistinguished historian until Irving used his influence to get her appointed to the Council of Academic Advisors of the American Enterprise Institute. Suddenly she was hot stuff, even if her version of history showed her to have little interest in historical facts if they interfered with neoconservative dogma. In much the same way, Billy got his job as Editor of the Weekly Standard because his father gave it to him. There wasn't any reason otherwise.

Bill had a not-very illustrious career before Daddy got him the WS gig in '95, the high-point of which may have been his stint as Dan Quayle's COS, earning him the dubious honor of being called "Quayle's Brain". Not something I personally would care to be tagged with, but different strokes. Mostly, Billy is infamous for being hilariously wrong about almost everything. (So maybe the QB brand fits, yes?)

[H]is track record as a pundit was so poor it drove Jon Stewart to often ask, "Oh, Bill Kristol, aren't you ever right?"

He left the NYT and is now a regular puindit for the - TA-DA! - Washington Post. He is still wrong about everything.

John Podhoretz

The Editor of Commentary, which was founded by his father Norman and handed down like an hereditary fief. But never mind. John has credentials. F'rinstance, winning 5 times on Jeopardy and writing phrases (there's no evidence he ever wrote a whole speech) for Ronnie Ray-guns. Surely that entitles him to a syndicated column and the influence of a Bismarck?

Vote in comments and explain your choice, if you wish. Personally, I think this is a tough one. Certainly tougher than Friedman over Brooks.

(More categories will follow. Maybe.)

Comments

[eRobin]

He won five times on Jeopardy???

[mick]

Swear to gawd. I am NOT making this shit up.

[Mark Gisleson]

You left out Howie the Whore, Richard Cohen, David Broder and -- oh wait, they're all upstanding objective journalists.

My bad.

[mick]

Swear to gawd. I am NOT making this shit up. And it is quite an accomplishment, I guess. Maybe Johnny deserves his column?

Nah. He's such an idiot otherwise.

[mick]

Mark: I'll get to em. This category is for nepotistic wingnut appointments - pundits who got jobs not because of who they are but because of who their parents are. The ones you mentioned don't fit that category. They'll be featured in a "Wingnut Media Whores" category or something like that.

And no one has actually voted yet.