I Think We Already Missed the Rapture

This list of 14 things to do if you miss the Rapture (via Lindsay) is creepy funny, but as I read through it, I started thinking that it sounds like we've already missed the Rapture.  See if you agree.

1. DO NOT commit suicide, and stay extremely calm if you have missed the rapture. There will be a period of total chaos, suicides, and heart attacks. People all over the world will be in total chaos. Please understand the fact that you who remain here have missed the rapture, and are living in the tribulation period, and nothing you do can change that fact. Listen! Don’t look back. Face the fact you’ve been left, but there still is hope for you!!

Don't Panic. 

   2. KEEP A TIME TABLE. Look back and find the date people were reported missing or raptured, mark that date, and put it away. Keep track of the following 7 years. The first three and a half years will not be too bad, but the last three and a half years will be so horrible that human vocabulary is insufficient to describe the events that will take place.

Time lines aren't a strong point of the end-is-near crowd.  But the years being so horrible that human vocabulary failing to meet the task of describing them would explain the corporate media's coverage of the last five years anyway.

   3. GET ALONE somewhere and find yourself a Bible. There is still hope for you. You still have an opportunity to accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Look in your Bible at Revelation chapter 7, Romans chapter 10:9-11. There is no time element spoken of here, you can be born again, and remember this: The Holy Spirit has not left the earth with the Christians. He still dwells here now.

   What you need to do now is accept Jesus in your heart and be born again. Romans chapter 10:9-13 says clearly if you just confess with your mouth that in your own self there is no hope, and you realize you need Jesus to set you free and cleanse your sins to be forgotten, He will hear you and forgive you and the Holy Spirit will come into your life and you will be a new person in Jesus Christ. You will become a tribulation saint.
   Realize from this point on that your life will not be an attractive one. Your commitment to Jesus could result in the severest repercussions that you can imagine. Be ready to lose your job, to be persecuted, possibly even tortured and even lose your life. Be prepared to die, it will probably happen!! Ask Jesus to give you strength to face reality and He will.
   Endure to the end, Saint. Don’t give up no matter what happens to you. Do not denounce Jesus. Give your life if you have to, but do not denounce Jesus in any way!

   4. DISTRIBUTE BIBLES to close friends and family. Hide at least one Bible in a secluded place because Bibles will be hard to come by. Communist agents will be out to burn every bible they can find.
   Read the Bible and begin to memorize it. Ask Jesus to help you memorize it. Hide promise scriptures wherever you can: Hebrews chapter10:19-23.
   Begin to memorize the entire book of Daniel, the book of Revelation, memorize the 24th chapter of Mathew, the 21st chapter of Luke. These books and verses will help you understand what must take place before the second coming of Jesus.

That's boilerplate.   I spent half an hour listening to the same stuff this morning at an Easter Egg hunt at my kid's pre-school. 

   5. BEWARE OF A WORLD CHURCH. This church is not of God. Do not back this church. It is from Satan himself. Do not associate with any kind of world church. Beware of Communist agents who will play the role of pastor. Beware of any big church movement after the rapture. Ask Jesus for a spirit of discernment.

Beware of any big church movement after the rapture.

   6. BEWARE OF THE WORLD DICTATOR AND ANYTHING HE SAYS. This anti-Christ will appear upon the scene and become the leader of a ten nation government. He will be an international politician, a worldwide accepted man with all the answers to the world’s problems. He will back the one world church and seem to have an answer for everything, but do not pledge allegiance to this man; if you do, you damn your soul to eternal Hell. Beware of another man called the false prophet. He will more likely lead the one world church. He also will impress the world with his leadership and religious spirit. People will automatically accept him. He will perform many signs and miracles before you, and even raise the dead, but he will support the Anti-Christ and work with him for a one world government. Watch for these two men and do not pledge allegiance to them.

          

   7. DO NOT accept the mark of the beast (666). The Anti-Christ will control the economic system completely, and he will destroy the money system and install a number system either on your hand or your forehead.
   Do not take this mark. If you do, you will be automatically doomed for eternity. Be prepared if you do not take it. You will be tortured or even put to death, but your soul will be saved in the end. You probably won’t be able to buy, sell, or trade anything, but do not take the anti-Christ’s number system. Begin now to ask Jesus for strength and boldness. There will be very rough times ahead.

Substitute the Visa logo for 666 and we're cooking with rapture oil.   That I am totally not the only person to come up with this scares the heck out of me because, you know, I'm kidding around.

8. BEWARE OF THE GOLDEN IDOL. The anti-Christ will erect an idol and place it in the temple. Read Daniel chapter 3, Revelation 13:15, Revelation 20:4, and Revelation 15:2.
Stay away from any image created by or for the anti-Christ.

I'm stumped.  Could it mean FOX News?  Let's say yes.

   9. STORE UP water, food, and cover, if possible. Move to the mountains and live off the land. Move away from the cities or civilization.

Panflu, peak oil, run-of-the-mill grid fleeing, take your pick. 

   10. BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST. Don’t trust every person who claims they are a Christian. Beware of Communist agents posing as Christians or ministers.

Truer words were never spoken.    Except replace Communists with FBI agents and Christians with peace activists.

   11. STAY IN THE WORD OF GOD. Memorize verses and establish fellowship with true believers.

More boilerplate.

   12 WATCH YOUR GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION. Leave all large nuclear target areas, such as bases, cities, lakes, ship yards, industrial areas, etc.

See Number 9.

   13. STAY AWAY from earthquake faults.

That's just common sense.

   14. OBTAIN fallout shelter, if possible.

Again, that's common sense with Commander CooCoo Bananas in charge. 

Welcome to the Rapture afterparty fellow tribulation saints!  Your results may vary.

Comments

[DavidByron]

At least I'll have regular work.

Beware of Communist agents who will play the role of pastor. ... Communist agents will be out to burn every bible they can find.

Cool. I hope they're more accurate about their predictions for the 2nd coming than they were for the 1st.

[DavidByron]

But seriously --- don't worry Robin; I'll give you all a heads-up if I start burning bibles. An exclusive.

[Libby]

This is funny, but really, a little scary. I first noticed this frightening concept during the Gore campaign. Way back in 1999 in this fundamental Christian newsletter that arrives "complimentary" in my town (since it is written here!) there was an article entitled "Al Gore is the Anti-Christ". It went on in great detail to describe what they knew about the antichrist and the rapture and explain how Al Gore was definitely it. I was so saddened because it seemed quite clear to me that these people were actually promoting the election of the very anti-christ that they were describing. He is a crafty one, that anti-christ.

At the time I was so disgusted and disturbed by the article that I used it to start a fire that very night. I have wished many times that I still had that article for so many reasons.

[eRobin]

I got sqeamish even joking that BushCo was the anti-christ - although I'm pretty sure that the WTO is Satan.

This is exactly why the separation of church and state is so important. We're mucking around in voodoo here.

[grannyinsanity]

I missed the Rapture so I'm stuck here with Dobson et al.

It seems like I have been typing about this forever so I better stop here.

[Mark]

I'm not going to take very seriously anything that doesn't mention the importance of duct tape.

[eRobin]

You're right, of course. Clearly, duct tape was left out of the emergency preparation mentioned in Step 9. But frankly, if you're not using a ton of duct tape to properly secure your Bibles, then there really isn't any hope for you at all.